Not everything is what it seems

They all say that faith is hard to find and easy to loose. Why does it all come back to trust, to the fact that when I cry no one is around?

I have been trusting the wrong people at the wrong time. And I trust to easy… YEAH so?

I AM STILL HERE… I have done shit before. Like trying to part this world, part because I didn't have a reason to stay.

I'm not happy… but I ain't sad either… There are just a lot going on?

I don'k know.

Ya'll gotta try on your own

Sorry.

I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you think, what is in your head. Don't ignore me because I write you a lot, because to me communication is key. I can't live with out knowing what you think about a situation that I am, we are, 100% evolved in.

Like I get it, I know it's hard. I know because I'M FUCKING LIVING IT. 

You don't know how it feels to be broken this way. I love you, like, love to me is caring unconditionally, having a bond, a connection.

I don't know if you feel it! It bothers me, but I think I will just move on because if you would feel this, what I feel... I don't know, different people do different things in situations. 

But I will wait, because a lot of things happened really fast.

I want you to write on your own, I'm not going to write anymore, I just had enough.

I hate being your friend

It's not possible to be your friend when I'm still in love with you.
I can't because you will tell me about all the girls you like after me.... I can't because I love you...

It hurts to even think of you with another girl... cuz... like...

I know you will change. I know I might. But like if we are supposed be together... fait will bring us together:D

so... a little update

I haven't done a blog for quite a while... I could have, I sorta have the time... but I didn't, I just haven't had everything processed to to write anything.

SO.
One of the huge things that have happened recently is that we're parted with my boyfriend... I guess we broke up but not for any bad reason or anything, but just because, I'm moving, and etc. I'll be so far away... and it's really stressful, in my opinion.
The other thing is, that I am literally 3 days away from the 8am plane ride to Canada, where I am going to be... for A LONG TIME!
It's extremely stressful, sad, gets me angry and upset, and on top of that... I really love my boyfriend and I don't want to leave... He has changed a lot about me, influenced me in a lot of good ways, and made me more open and confident. Since, teenagers have very complex thinking... they often are overwhelmed with thought, and emotions. I am one of those teenagers whose life is all over the place added with moving added with normal teen drama added with parent issues added with a lot of other things... It can be a lot some times. So, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts before, and...had a rough time with my body image and who I am. Just had a lot like issues that only a couple people helped me with.
And basically he (my ex, or whatever), helped me a lot through a lot of this... Maybe he doesn't know, but whatever.
We are both young people but the way we think isn't very unformed and ignorant. We are both very mature people... Don't get me wrong, we make SOOO many MISTAKES, we are YOUNG:D

But he gets me... I get him... :D

He has become like a very important person.

Most kids don't go through this... but I know some do and that's why I write about it<3

Whatever. So I guess... I'm saying... I am not sad, about breaking up with him... I mean I ain't the type a girl who can get a boyfriend easily:D But he can get a girlfriend fast!! He will forget sooo fast!:D

I'm not... I mean... lets go with, I'm not a catch!

read it your self

The first time I looked into your eyes... was at backwards basketball when we were skiing.
I remember because it's like time froze... and it was only us, our hands touched as you passed me the ball... and we just stared.
Every time we did that I smiled. I couldn't keep it in.
I remember I was so nervous when we went down to the swimming pool, because, well... I am not the fittest girl... I am self cautious  about my body... well yeah so... I was nervous... and by then I sort of had feelings for you so yes... I didn't know what you'll think.
In the end I don't think you cared, which is good, cuz you make me feel beautiful! ^^
And then the first time you said you loved me, and meant it in that way... We became an item.
Then the first time you kissed me :$ ^^

These will always stay in my heart in my love for you.

Sometimes people change, situations change. Things get blurry not black and white, unreadable.

Things get hard, bumpy.

I won't give up. I hope you won't either.

I think everything relies on respect, time, effort, trust and communication.

My standards aren't high... because each person can bring something different into a relationship.

What ever happens. I'll still love you, no matter what.

the truth

I'm hurting a lot right now. This wouldn't be normal for any one and it is not normal for me. I've been through a lot in the last 6 months, but the worst and the best have been the past 4.

4 months ago, I met Andris. Even though he is younger than me, he is different than what I know.

I've always wanted a boyfriend, but I've never needed one before.

4 months ago, I never would have even thought about wearing a biki.
12 months ago, I was happy, no worries, confident, smart, useful.
Something clicked sometime during this year, I was so CONFIDENT... 6th grade, 7th grade.... I had no issues doing anything... and now....



I can't ask a stranger shit... And its so fucking annoying.  


I over think everything, like EVERYTHING!!!

then again

then again.



it could be metaphoric ;)