I always look out the window. Weather it is dark, super bright, late, morning, I look out...and lately...I start to cry.
I've been sad, lonely, depressed, happy, ignorant, angry, shy, insane, weird....but I have never felt empty and alone. Confused and cold. Never have I felt this. I always thought I would live forever with the people I knew. I always thought I would live in the house I know. It all changed, 2012 June.
I knew for a year and half...maybe only a year that I am going to be moving over seas, for the rest of my life. Of course the occasional visit, the possibility of moving back for business purposes is always there. But I am talking for 6 to 8 months... I would not be with these people. With the home I new, and adored so much. I would lose everything around me, with me and close to me.
The worst part to me right now is loosing my boyfriend, loosing my best friend, and loosing my comfort.
June, 2012, I knew that if I leave Canada (the over seas place I am moving to) it would be the hardest thing in my whole life. At that point I was willing to drop everything and stay there. I was that aware of the fact that I could never make this change.
In July, 2012, I took a plane ride home...back to my swing, school, friends, my comfort. The moment I got on the plane...doubt, worry, sorrow and tears over powered me. The vision I had before, came to truth. I was broke.
It is not the feelings I am angry at, I am not mad about the fact that I cannot see the with the same passion that I used to. I am envious of the fact, that I...I cannot do anything. I cannot change the course. I cannot change for what's to come. I certainly cannot change anything that is about to happen.
On April 12th, 2013, I had my first kiss. To be honest, it was the most overwhelming experience of my life. The best feeling, with the worst timing. The best doing, with the worst truth. A lie, with a whole bunch of emotion, ecstasy, packed into two lips.
The first wet kiss, turned into the hard passionate kiss...not the ones you see in movies. A totally different story, with complete people who differ from each other, in the right way.
The warmth. The zest. The atomic bound lecture, on top of our tongs, the attraction exploded from both, and this was all sealed, with this kiss. Defiantly not perfect, perfect for me, kiss. My first kiss....and the kiss...that I have waited for....I waited for too long...and it came...at the worst, possibly the best time.